Spun Out

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I hate it when my car hits some deep water on the side of a road and I lose control of the wheel for maybe a second… but I know what that feels like now, losing control of where your going. Instead of a mere few seconds; I lost control for like a month. I hit deep water, and went spinning.

I lost the reigns on my Summer Semester, which had been going so well. I had A’s in both my classes, and now I am failing with no chance of passing in a mere few weeks before the semester ends. My only saving grace is if Financial Aid lets me withdraw without putting me on academic suspension, forcing me to pay all that aid back and possibly ruining my chances of coming back. Granted this is all mental health related and my providers can back me up, but who knows how the school will see it. What I am most angry about is I lost the last fully paid semester to a depression spell and distraction to my ex-roommate’s petty antics.

The last few weeks with her were really hard. She made it impossible to clean my house, and made it more gross and unlivable. She stole something from me, had more attitude, and apparently thought she was above me in every aspect. She brought me down to such childish levels to enact retribution. I didn’t recognize who I became during that time; I was so full of rage and fire I swear I could burn anyone just through mere touch. She fractured something in me… and among that was my ability to focus on the important things in my life.

And sure, I might get the question, “why didn’t you just ignore her?” Much easier said than done when living in a very small house with a 27 year old that acts like she’s 5. Normally I rise above A LOT, but this… this made me stoop to levels I’m not proud of. What can I say? I spun out, big time.

She’s gone now though, and even though I still feel a ghost of her presence in the house still; I feel calmer. I just wish the haze would lift a little. I’m so tired, and I’m tired of being tired. I started my new antipsychotic today, but only time will tell if it’s working. At first I didn’t want to take it, but who wants to be depressed or high as a kite on a manic phase?

I hate being behind the wheel and constantly being in a spin. I just want to be still, or at least be going in a straight line.

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Published by silversky87

34yrs old, avid reader and aspiring writer. I believe the fire of inspiration can take us to unknown and magical places. I’m a dreamer... Also been through some tough stuff, don’t underestimate me nor bet against me!

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