I really wanted to believe I could do it. Be off my anti-psychotic without any issues. It was a futile wish I know. Dreamers be dreaming. When those chemicals in your brain aren’t working right, you can wish on every star in the sky, but only modern medicine will help correct it.
To be fair it didn’t start out bad… but I was manic at first. Everything felt good after coming off the Abilify. I was happy, steady in my Summer Semester, and socializing again. I was also planning my big trip to PA for my 35th birthday. I felt good, glowy, and untouchable. Then triggers started to chip away at my manic phase… I began the eviction process with my roommate (which naturally went down REAL well) my grades started to go down a deep decline, and I was tired. All. the. time. The inevitable crash hit, and it was like a car hitting a wall at high speed with no air bags. I felt miserable, full of rage, irritable as he**, couldn’t sleep or eat, and basically iced everyone out around me.
I was in the midst of her eviction and she was being ultra childish and petty, which made for very uncomfortable living environment. I had no safe space to go to and just be. I’d often cry in my car on the way home from work. Even when I was in PA, as pictured above, the pain didn’t go away, it was just back-burnered. It all came rushing back as soon as I had to come back to SAV. I hated having to get on that plane in Pittsburgh. When I spoke to my friends that I visited in PA; I remember crying on the phone that I didn’t want to come home.
Then came my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was probably perfectly timed given the condition I was in. We meet virtually since my schedule and hers don’t really meld for face to face meetings. As soon as she saw me on that screen she knew I wasn’t right. I told her everything that had transpired over the past month, and then what had been going on till now, and then came the medicine talk. We agreed no more anti-psychotic talk till I lost the weight from the last one, and I was also extremely frustrated I couldn’t go longer before I started having problems. I felt like my mind had failed me somehow. The only reason I agreed to the new one was two reasons: it was her professional opinion and she was genuinely worried about me. Plus like she pointed out, it’s easier to treat a spiral in the moderate phase versus severe. Plus this new one supposedly doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect, but she said if it does have any unsavory effects on me she’ll pull it right away. It will take some time to “marinate” in my system.
Being Bipolar is hard. I don’t think it defines who I am but it definitely is a lot of weight on my mind and heart at times. Even though I’m smiling in that picture, there is so much behind that smile you will never know.