Hello World

I started this blog to well, “get my writing out there.” It will be a mosh-up of thoughts, stories, journals, poetry, and just daily peeps into my life. Whatever I care to share. I am not starting this to compete for the most followers or likes or to make a living off of it… that’s what my job is for.

The followers that I do get, AMAZING and thank you 🙂 I just want to write and see what feedback I get. Paradiso will be unique, like me.


Spun Out

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I hate it when my car hits some deep water on the side of a road and I lose control of the wheel for maybe a second… but I know what that feels like now, losing control of where your going. Instead of a mere few seconds; I lost control for like a month. I hit deep water, and went spinning.

I lost the reigns on my Summer Semester, which had been going so well. I had A’s in both my classes, and now I am failing with no chance of passing in a mere few weeks before the semester ends. My only saving grace is if Financial Aid lets me withdraw without putting me on academic suspension, forcing me to pay all that aid back and possibly ruining my chances of coming back. Granted this is all mental health related and my providers can back me up, but who knows how the school will see it. What I am most angry about is I lost the last fully paid semester to a depression spell and distraction to my ex-roommate’s petty antics.

The last few weeks with her were really hard. She made it impossible to clean my house, and made it more gross and unlivable. She stole something from me, had more attitude, and apparently thought she was above me in every aspect. She brought me down to such childish levels to enact retribution. I didn’t recognize who I became during that time; I was so full of rage and fire I swear I could burn anyone just through mere touch. She fractured something in me… and among that was my ability to focus on the important things in my life.

And sure, I might get the question, “why didn’t you just ignore her?” Much easier said than done when living in a very small house with a 27 year old that acts like she’s 5. Normally I rise above A LOT, but this… this made me stoop to levels I’m not proud of. What can I say? I spun out, big time.

She’s gone now though, and even though I still feel a ghost of her presence in the house still; I feel calmer. I just wish the haze would lift a little. I’m so tired, and I’m tired of being tired. I started my new antipsychotic today, but only time will tell if it’s working. At first I didn’t want to take it, but who wants to be depressed or high as a kite on a manic phase?

I hate being behind the wheel and constantly being in a spin. I just want to be still, or at least be going in a straight line.

Hiding Behind the Smile

I really wanted to believe I could do it. Be off my anti-psychotic without any issues. It was a futile wish I know. Dreamers be dreaming. When those chemicals in your brain aren’t working right, you can wish on every star in the sky, but only modern medicine will help correct it.

To be fair it didn’t start out bad… but I was manic at first. Everything felt good after coming off the Abilify. I was happy, steady in my Summer Semester, and socializing again. I was also planning my big trip to PA for my 35th birthday. I felt good, glowy, and untouchable. Then triggers started to chip away at my manic phase… I began the eviction process with my roommate (which naturally went down REAL well) my grades started to go down a deep decline, and I was tired. All. the. time. The inevitable crash hit, and it was like a car hitting a wall at high speed with no air bags. I felt miserable, full of rage, irritable as he**, couldn’t sleep or eat, and basically iced everyone out around me.

I was in the midst of her eviction and she was being ultra childish and petty, which made for very uncomfortable living environment. I had no safe space to go to and just be. I’d often cry in my car on the way home from work. Even when I was in PA, as pictured above, the pain didn’t go away, it was just back-burnered. It all came rushing back as soon as I had to come back to SAV. I hated having to get on that plane in Pittsburgh. When I spoke to my friends that I visited in PA; I remember crying on the phone that I didn’t want to come home.

Then came my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was probably perfectly timed given the condition I was in. We meet virtually since my schedule and hers don’t really meld for face to face meetings. As soon as she saw me on that screen she knew I wasn’t right. I told her everything that had transpired over the past month, and then what had been going on till now, and then came the medicine talk. We agreed no more anti-psychotic talk till I lost the weight from the last one, and I was also extremely frustrated I couldn’t go longer before I started having problems. I felt like my mind had failed me somehow. The only reason I agreed to the new one was two reasons: it was her professional opinion and she was genuinely worried about me. Plus like she pointed out, it’s easier to treat a spiral in the moderate phase versus severe. Plus this new one supposedly doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect, but she said if it does have any unsavory effects on me she’ll pull it right away. It will take some time to “marinate” in my system.

Being Bipolar is hard. I don’t think it defines who I am but it definitely is a lot of weight on my mind and heart at times. Even though I’m smiling in that picture, there is so much behind that smile you will never know.

Burnt to a Crisp

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I have been rundown like a dog since the weekend, and I’m not sure why. I know emotionally I’m fried. In between dealing with my stupid & worthless roommate, and then basically the same thing when it comes to my coworker (she spends all day laughing, popping gum, and talking to everyone in a one mile radius.) Frustrated I am, relaxed I am not. I can’t find peace at home, and my job suddenly feels like a chokehold around my neck, when before, I used to enjoy it. I find myself saying, “well hello burnout, we meet again my old friend.”

When I’m not at work; I am at home either cleaning or tending to my duties as part-time student… and I’m right smack dab in the midst of Summer Semester. Which for any current or previous college students; I’m sure you know summer is harder because it’s sooo short so they really pack it in. I also have exercise routines I follow on weekends, bless yoga, it’s an hour I can actually get out of my head. Then I also work in spending time with my family, along with cramming in errands, paying bills, and other miscellaneous tasks. Work is work, your typical 40 hour week, but I often get handed more than usual because the other girl mentioned above can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a fork.

Classic signs of burnout are appearing on me… constant fatigue, irritation, headaches, feeling defeated, loss of motivation, etc… I don’t really feel “hyped” lately, and I have this BIG trip planned for PA next week for my birthday on the 24th, and I barely feel psyched which SUCKS because I was so excited before all this started happening. I don’t want to be on that plane, flying to see my friends, feeling like poo. I won’t be any fun for anyone. Plus it’s going to be my birthday soon, the big 35; I mean come on… burnout now, really??

In previous experiences with burnout I just kind of waited it out till it passed, but I could use some advice. Since the days are literally ticking by… how have you guys dealt with it? Any advice for me?

Silence I say!

Nobody likes loudmouths… and if you do, well then we won’t vibe.

As I sit typing this, a woman I work across a very thin wall from (cubicle walls) is on the phone and basically letting the whole office hear her. When she’s not on the phone, she’s telling everyone her business, praising God she is alive, complaining about her pain (which could be resolved if she really committed to weight loss) and whining (OH THE WHINING.)

Point is… these people are not desirable, as friends, coworkers, or partners. I value opinions, and hearing about your problems, but not on stereo level and with an office as an audience, or maybe a restaurant or mall for other examples. No one needs to hear someone’s personal life blasted like the news channel… not unless they trying, like eavesdropping trying.

This is a problem I have encountered in jobs, restaurants, and other public settings. Especially in stores when people hold the phone like several feet away from them on speaker (like are you social distancing from your device?) Then they proceed to have an argument or a deeply personal conversation for all to hear. I once was privy to an argument and what I believed was a call to a gyno all in the same mall trip; I’m still scarred to this day. Like TURN IT DOWN people… we don’t need all that on level 100 volume.

Learn to talk quieter, have phone conversations quieter, and fight in private, geez. I don’t know when the world got accustomed to being so “loud” but it sucks man. It’s right up there on my list with people jamming in next to me in the grocery store line like sardines. Remember when social distance was a good thing? We need to bring it back, like asap.

I like things on a normal talking volume, or just not at all. Save all that loudmouth behavior for when your mad and need to go in the backyard and scream cause your kids drew on the wall with crayon or because Starbucks was out of soy… but not in public when other people are around.

AHHH I just had to rant… it’s a tough day!

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I’m Not Weird… I’m Special

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Divulging aspects of my anxiety is hard for me, as is dealing with it. I have found that dealing with a rather “quirky” aspect in particular has brought me quite a lot of strife in my years.

I can’t use public restrooms. Like at all. Now you can imagine how this can be a problem in other aspects of my life… like with me being employed, drug tests were a nightmare. When I travel; I basically can’t go until I reach the destination. Thankfully my job has one stall bathrooms, but I don’t run into such luck at other places. If someone else is in a bathroom with me, or I feel pressured? No dice.

It is a puzzling situation. Also I recently discovered it is a part of the social anxiety family. It is also called Paruresis or “Shy Bladder Syndrome.” I’ve had it ever since I was child, and despite my mother telling me to just “get over myself,” it has stuck to me like unwanted tar and feathers. From being on anxiety medication, to therapy, to meditation, from forcing myself… nothing works. I believe it to be a lifetime curse. Maybe some people can overcome it? I can’t. My PCP tells me it’s more common than I believed it to be… still not sure if I believe this or not. I’ve never encountered a similar individual.

I have a big trip coming up in June. I leave for PA on the 23rd and return the 27th. While I love to fly and move around the airports… I also know what it means. Minor torture till I get where I’m going. I wish there was a simple solution for a problem like this, but it’s like an “up in your head type thing.” Since my anxiety is so strong, my body literally can’t calm down enough to just do what it needs to do.

I try and always tell myself; I’m not weird, I’m special. It’s just sometimes the issues I carry with me don’t feel very “special.”

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7 Days and Counting…

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It’s been a whole week since I stopped my Abilify. I feel ok. Dare I say good? I might be on the upswing, or in Bipolar terms, on the very outskirts of a manic phase. Which is very common for me when coming down from any mood stabilizer or medication that treats it.

I know the signs right away… enhanced energy, excitability, irresponsibility with finances, wanting to go everywhere all the sudden, making plans I won’t do, feeling like rainbows are pointing on me, etc…

While mania can feel good, and I’m quoting a fellow blogger I follow and admire here… “the higher you go, the harder you crash.” So mood charting and trying to keep myself as level as possible is imperative right now.

Aside from that I feel ok. I am loving that my appetite has so dramatically decreased since coming off the Abilify. It was SOOO aggressive and nonstop while I was on it. I ate literally everything I could put my hands on, and snacked constantly. It obviously had consequences. Since coming off of it; I now eat “normally” for me, and the snacking has gone way down. I eat my little breakfast, a healthy lunch, and sometimes I eat dinner, but often I’m not hungry, which is the norm for me. I generally don’t have a very high appetite, and often do little meals throughout the day versus three meals. My health coach advised the little ones would actually be healthier for me versus three big ones, as long as I wasn’t eating junk food, which I am not… any more.

While I’m somewhat concerned about the state of my mental health in coming days; I still don’t regret my decision to come off the Abilify. I needed to get my physical health back in order… so here is hoping I stay level and don’t have any “crashes” anytime soon!

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Pensive Tuesday

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To what do we owe one another? Kindness? Love? Respect? Or do we just go through our lives treating others the way they treat us? It is something I have often ruminated over as I have gotten older.

*I recently became afflicted with a “The Good Place” binge fest on Netflix and there is a lot of ethics and philosophy teachings on there…. and it just got me thinking.*

Health Check

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Annual screenings. They are important to get each year as they tell many things from blood pressure all the way to cancer screenings. I just had mine recently, which recently included my very first Pap test. Yes, at 34 years old I’ve never had one. Why my PCP didn’t find it necessary I have no idea. I mean it’s sole purpose is to screen for cervical cancer, muy importante!! I was at the clinic funded through my job (County has lots of perks) and it was tossed into my physical. I’m glad I had it done, and now it will be a yearly thing.

We discussed everything from my stress levels and mental health all the way to my constant heartburn, which I’m glad she hopefully found a solution to. I was getting worried I had acid reflux issues, but it might be because of the weight gain. It makes sense, because when I was smaller I don’t remember having this bad of a heartburn problem. Generic Prilosec is being sent to my house, and even better? It’s free!

I can’t stress enough how important it is to get these checks. While mine was pretty uneventful… well aside from my ears being a little raw and infected… I still walked away with a pretty clean bill of health. Pap test results pending obviously. It’s good to know the simple things like blood pressure, how your heart is doing, and where your weight is at. I almost cried when standing on the scale, but that will change soon enough.

We only get one life, so it’s important we take care of it.

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