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Hello World

I started this blog to well, “get my writing out there.” It will be a mosh-up of thoughts, stories, journals, poetry, and just daily peeps into my life. Whatever I care to share. I am not starting this to compete for the most followers or likes or to make a living off of it… that’s what my job is for.

The followers that I do get, AMAZING and thank you 🙂 I just want to write and see what feedback I get. Paradiso will be unique, like me.

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Am I Still Beautiful?

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Beauty is a funny word to me. I’m told we all have it… outer or inner. Then on the flip side there are instagram models, Victoria Secret Angels, and just “beautiful” people in general I can never add up to. What really defines beauty anyway?

I thought that when I was in my 20’s I was this hot little thing that no guy could say no to. I felt beautiful and invincible in a world where so many people are fat-shamed, called ugly, or trolled on the internet for how they look. Then something happened when I hit 30; I felt a little less “shiny” or duller I might say. My sparkle left. My hair felt coarser, my smile didn’t feel as pretty, and suddenly all the glitter that used to fall on me (yes I’m being dramatic) just stopped. I fell into a slump of feeling ick, and its lasted 5 long years.

But why is it always about looks? They are so fleeting when we think about it. A few short decades and soon those wrinkles and wisdom highlights set in, and we’re no longer consumed with long hours in front of a mirror with a mascara brush and a flat iron. What should define beauty is your personality.

Everyone always loves the person who can tell a joke where you end up in stitches, or the guy that is so entertaining he is the life of every party. No one is going to look back 20 years from now and be like, “Oh yeah; I remember the girl with really great eyebrows.” Beauty is more about the soul than the exterior shell.

Peace in the Household

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It had not been good times for 4 years with my previous roommate. She was terrible… lied, manipulated, was lazy, and gaslit me every time I tried to suggest she change her ways so we could have a more harmonious living environment. It was never her fault; I was the problem. Me.

That was also the issue. I let myself believe I was the problem. I spent so much time in my childhood, teen years, heck even into my 20’s believing I was the issue; I knew nothing else. So living with someone who mimicked my mother’s behaviors was really difficult. It took me a good year to see through her lies and manipulations. Then I started fighting back, which only made it worse. My aunt and I tried mediation meetings, and she denied all fault in her actions. I tried letters, and she’d write snippy notes back. I tried one on one’s with her and she’d promise to change but then reverted right back in like 48 hrs. Long story short, we finally evicted her.

A few months later… I recently welcomed someone new into the house, Iz*. Although younger than me, she’s a Veteran and very well mannered. Excellent on communication and working together. I like how she talks to me about every little change to the house instead of just dropping her stuff in the living room and leaving it there for months on end. She’s honest and calm; I find myself relaxed for the first time in 4 yrs and not even upset if something’s out of place or left out for the night. My OCD went insane with the previous one… this time; I’m cool as a cucumber. Maybe because the presence isn’t invasive and “up in my face.” Iz* is nothing like my previous roommate; Iz* is respectful and kind.

It’s strange that I’m in an adjustment period though. Getting used to a good roommate versus a bad one. Being able to trust her, share things, let her make changes to the house without freaking out, etc… All the things I’ve never been able to do (well except with my golden era roommate.) All I can equate to is holding your breath for like an extremely long amount of time, and then letting it out and breathing again. I feel like I can breathe again.

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Cruisin’

I recently booked my very first cruise. Carnival, 5 days, Bahamas… Nassau, Princess Cays, the whole nines. I unfortunately wasn’t able to find anyone to go with me, so I am running it solo, but who doesn’t need me time? I’m an opportunist; I see this as 5 days of freedom from work drama, people, housework, and just life in general. I’m currently on break from school through the Fall as I await decision from another college, so that’s covered.

I’ve never been on a cruise. I don’t know a thing. So when I put the deposit down and reserved parking at the departing terminal… that’s where I hit a block. What am I going to do for 5 days?? Also, what happens when the ship docks in the islands? I get lost here at home; I don’t want to go off exploring and never find my way back. When I say I have no direction I mean I have no direction… say north and I point up.

Now I know there are things to do on the ship that are included and fee(less). Which I will take advantage of. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if I spend the entire time hanging by the pool with a Pina colada. Maybe it’s travel nerves… I want to have a good time, but I’m so full of jitters I’m starting to worry about non-issues. This will be my first “real” vacation. I’ve only ever traveled maybe 3-4 states away, and for a max of 4 days. I’ve never been outside of the states, nor to an island before. What can I say… I led a very sheltered life, and I made a vow in my 30’s I would grow and experience more.

If anyone who reads my blog has been on a cruise and would like to share some words of wisdom to a rookie, please do! I depart later in the year 🙂

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Word to the Wednesday

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Does everyone feel meaning in their lives, like their following a purpose of some kind?

Sometimes I feel like life is just one long road with checkpoints along the way… grow up, college, fall in love, get married, have kids, send kids to school, work till you can retire, maybe go on some vacations and then die at a ripe old age.

Yes, there are obviously fillers in there, but is there a deeper meaning to all of it? Maybe that’s what I’m searching for… not just a career or great love, but a calling of some kind.

Wildcard

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Drop of this

Drop of that

Pinch of this

Pinch of that

Little bit of sugar, dash of spice

This one will be a girl not everyone can suffice

A wildcard

Never easy, always hard

You can’t hold fire in the palm of your hand

Falling to Earth without a parachute expecting to land

I wasn’t born to be your someone

I was mixed differently, a unique one

A drop of Heaven

An ember from Hell

A pretty little spark where Lucifer fell

Spun Out

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I hate it when my car hits some deep water on the side of a road and I lose control of the wheel for maybe a second… but I know what that feels like now, losing control of where your going. Instead of a mere few seconds; I lost control for like a month. I hit deep water, and went spinning.

I lost the reigns on my Summer Semester, which had been going so well. I had A’s in both my classes, and now I am failing with no chance of passing in a mere few weeks before the semester ends. My only saving grace is if Financial Aid lets me withdraw without putting me on academic suspension, forcing me to pay all that aid back and possibly ruining my chances of coming back. Granted this is all mental health related and my providers can back me up, but who knows how the school will see it. What I am most angry about is I lost the last fully paid semester to a depression spell and distraction to my ex-roommate’s petty antics.

The last few weeks with her were really hard. She made it impossible to clean my house, and made it more gross and unlivable. She stole something from me, had more attitude, and apparently thought she was above me in every aspect. She brought me down to such childish levels to enact retribution. I didn’t recognize who I became during that time; I was so full of rage and fire I swear I could burn anyone just through mere touch. She fractured something in me… and among that was my ability to focus on the important things in my life.

And sure, I might get the question, “why didn’t you just ignore her?” Much easier said than done when living in a very small house with a 27 year old that acts like she’s 5. Normally I rise above A LOT, but this… this made me stoop to levels I’m not proud of. What can I say? I spun out, big time.

She’s gone now though, and even though I still feel a ghost of her presence in the house still; I feel calmer. I just wish the haze would lift a little. I’m so tired, and I’m tired of being tired. I started my new antipsychotic today, but only time will tell if it’s working. At first I didn’t want to take it, but who wants to be depressed or high as a kite on a manic phase?

I hate being behind the wheel and constantly being in a spin. I just want to be still, or at least be going in a straight line.

Hiding Behind the Smile

I really wanted to believe I could do it. Be off my anti-psychotic without any issues. It was a futile wish I know. Dreamers be dreaming. When those chemicals in your brain aren’t working right, you can wish on every star in the sky, but only modern medicine will help correct it.

To be fair it didn’t start out bad… but I was manic at first. Everything felt good after coming off the Abilify. I was happy, steady in my Summer Semester, and socializing again. I was also planning my big trip to PA for my 35th birthday. I felt good, glowy, and untouchable. Then triggers started to chip away at my manic phase… I began the eviction process with my roommate (which naturally went down REAL well) my grades started to go down a deep decline, and I was tired. All. the. time. The inevitable crash hit, and it was like a car hitting a wall at high speed with no air bags. I felt miserable, full of rage, irritable as he**, couldn’t sleep or eat, and basically iced everyone out around me.

I was in the midst of her eviction and she was being ultra childish and petty, which made for very uncomfortable living environment. I had no safe space to go to and just be. I’d often cry in my car on the way home from work. Even when I was in PA, as pictured above, the pain didn’t go away, it was just back-burnered. It all came rushing back as soon as I had to come back to SAV. I hated having to get on that plane in Pittsburgh. When I spoke to my friends that I visited in PA; I remember crying on the phone that I didn’t want to come home.

Then came my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was probably perfectly timed given the condition I was in. We meet virtually since my schedule and hers don’t really meld for face to face meetings. As soon as she saw me on that screen she knew I wasn’t right. I told her everything that had transpired over the past month, and then what had been going on till now, and then came the medicine talk. We agreed no more anti-psychotic talk till I lost the weight from the last one, and I was also extremely frustrated I couldn’t go longer before I started having problems. I felt like my mind had failed me somehow. The only reason I agreed to the new one was two reasons: it was her professional opinion and she was genuinely worried about me. Plus like she pointed out, it’s easier to treat a spiral in the moderate phase versus severe. Plus this new one supposedly doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect, but she said if it does have any unsavory effects on me she’ll pull it right away. It will take some time to “marinate” in my system.

Being Bipolar is hard. I don’t think it defines who I am but it definitely is a lot of weight on my mind and heart at times. Even though I’m smiling in that picture, there is so much behind that smile you will never know.

Burnt to a Crisp

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I have been rundown like a dog since the weekend, and I’m not sure why. I know emotionally I’m fried. In between dealing with my stupid & worthless roommate, and then basically the same thing when it comes to my coworker (she spends all day laughing, popping gum, and talking to everyone in a one mile radius.) Frustrated I am, relaxed I am not. I can’t find peace at home, and my job suddenly feels like a chokehold around my neck, when before, I used to enjoy it. I find myself saying, “well hello burnout, we meet again my old friend.”

When I’m not at work; I am at home either cleaning or tending to my duties as part-time student… and I’m right smack dab in the midst of Summer Semester. Which for any current or previous college students; I’m sure you know summer is harder because it’s sooo short so they really pack it in. I also have exercise routines I follow on weekends, bless yoga, it’s an hour I can actually get out of my head. Then I also work in spending time with my family, along with cramming in errands, paying bills, and other miscellaneous tasks. Work is work, your typical 40 hour week, but I often get handed more than usual because the other girl mentioned above can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a fork.

Classic signs of burnout are appearing on me… constant fatigue, irritation, headaches, feeling defeated, loss of motivation, etc… I don’t really feel “hyped” lately, and I have this BIG trip planned for PA next week for my birthday on the 24th, and I barely feel psyched which SUCKS because I was so excited before all this started happening. I don’t want to be on that plane, flying to see my friends, feeling like poo. I won’t be any fun for anyone. Plus it’s going to be my birthday soon, the big 35; I mean come on… burnout now, really??

In previous experiences with burnout I just kind of waited it out till it passed, but I could use some advice. Since the days are literally ticking by… how have you guys dealt with it? Any advice for me?